Sunflower Diaries

Inspiration for this blog piece is from the amazing music artist Robbie Williams.

Robbie Williams was my favourite artist from Take That (sorry girls). I was inspired by his bravery to leave the band and make it on his own. He struggled with his young fame and had some issues with depression and addiction. 

He is now one of the most successful and celebrated musicians of all time. Recently playing in Scotland which reminded me of his greatness and talent. Last week he was at Murrayfield, Edinburgh.

This blog piece focuses on life through a lens – our need to perform, analyse data and be analysed. We all hope to be objective (especially as scientists) but are very much influenced by our views, cultural and religious beliefs, and social values. Sometimes we need to take a step back and look at the facts.

Performance.

Performance – theatre, dance and singing:

I lived for the camera when I was little. Enjoyed being filmed and performing. I went through a period of hating being filmed or photographed (probably because of pressure to wear tutus, glitter and makeup). I was also allergic to face paint (sensitive skin) so I had to wear real makeup. Never great at a children’s party when you miss out on face painting.

Buns and hairspray… 

I can still taste the hairspray in my mouth. Yuk. I quite liked wearing a bun with a pretty bow. I let our daughter wear her hair up or down – any style she likes. To be frank, she is not in a dance class yet but I prefer her to have independence in how she dresses and looks. I will let her stay away from hairspray as long as she can avoid using it…

Tutus and tiaras…and sequins

Every young girl loves tutus, tiaras and sequins. Being a dancer makes you dress and feel like a princess (or sometimes look like an extra in Swan Lake/ Nutcracker suite). I remember my mother spending hours sewing sequins on to purple, pink and yellow tutus. Not sure why yellow? She was a dedicated dance mum who always wanted to make my costumes look perfect. 

One costume that I remember fondly is a pink bunny. It was for a tap dance (early memory as I must have been about 3), but I loved this costume so much and wore it so much after the dance show.

I could see my own daughter doing this. In fact we had this issue with last year’s Halloween costume (fluffy monster – tutu). She insisted on wearing it to the park, supermarket, nursery… you get the idea. It was cute. The saying – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree comes to mind.

Dance school and pressures of exams

Weekly dance classes:

From age 2, I attended weekly dance classes. I remember these vividly. I attended morning sessions and made some good friends (at the time). I learned three styles of dance – tap, ballet and jazz.

Tap/ Ballet and Jazz:

Practiced tap where I could. I loved it. Who wouldn’t it has a very distinctive sound and looks awesome – watch old musical theatre and you will see what I mean. Judy Garland fan anyone?

Ballet dancing was fun. It put a lot of pressure on my ankles though. I loved twirling and again what little girl did not enjoy this. It was not my favourite dance style to learn. I do love watching professional ballet now as an adult.

Jazz was great fun and I guess a junior version of swing dancing. Very much inspired by 40s and 50s rock and roll era. I remember dancing to “Shake Rattle and Roll” and “Lollypop Lollypop”…

Later in primary I moved away (parents split up) to a different school/ place, and hung my dancing shoes up. I decided I needed a break from the intensity of dancing I had done. I was, however, encouraged to join the school dancing group with Scottish Country Dancing (keep up skills and fitness). I did this for a while during late primary school (doing a couple of local competitions/ shows) and then decided to leave it to social dancing. I did not like my dancing teacher. I felt like I needed a break / change my focus to singing.

Singing competitions:

At school, in Scotland, we had to celebrate “Burns Day” with reciting poetry, dancing and singing. As part of this I was entered into the Burns Singing Competition and won. I was surprised and delighted. The winning entry was “The Skye Boat Song” (Speed Bonnie Boat). I then to my embarrassment had to sing in front of the school assembly.

I was then forwarded for the next competition and I was the runner up for the Leng Medal (local competition). Another close friend (at the time) won the competition. She was also a very talented singer.

At High School, I was told

“You have the voice of an angel but please don’t take up the drums” (imagine being described by your music teacher as “playing the trash cans”… probably accurate, as I was terrible at the drums. It evokes some imagery of animal from the muppets or grouch from Sesame Street). Not many lines in my school reports stand out but that certainly made me giggle (when I re-read it).

My daughter is better at drumming, and to my horror, playing Donkey Kong’s jamboree challenge (Mario Party) – where you stand in a conga line and have to tap in tune with the rhythm of the bongo drums. Sigh. You cannot be great at everything. Something I remind her when she gets frustrated.

Anyway I digress. I stopped singing in public for years. I probably should have listened and joined the school choir but I was put off by the music teacher’s comments. They were at the time a little harsh but fair.

I did Home Economics instead of the subjects I was good at – music and art. You sometimes follow the crowd … it never fully engaged me. I try to encourage my daughter to do what she loves.

Music and art have always calmed me. Listening to classical music since I was a child helped me study, write and learn how to relax. I even left it on the radio for my dog. She loved falling asleep to Classic FM (true story and long before the special fireworks dog sessions).

Dancing is an art. It’s also great exercise. 

Even though I no longer competed or was scrutinised by scary examiners I always enjoyed social dancing or Jazzercise.

Adulthood experience.

Ballroom and Swing Dancing:

I joined two dancing societies the year I was in Durham. Short chapter of academic career. I enjoyed learning three new styles of dancing. My heart belonged to Swing – learning Lindy Hop was my all time favourite experience. I love the style (vintage dresses – oh yes – and Mary Jane shoes and who doesn’t like a bit of Glenn Miller). I remember when I was learning to do swing dancing my shoes were ruined. Buy cheap pay twice.

I was given advice to try converse and yes the person was right – comfortable and durable for dancing. When I left Durham I hung up my dance shoes once again. I did it for a short while in Edinburgh (with converse, thanks helpful American)…but pressure of PhD meant I could not fully commit to getting to classes in time or giving it my full attention. I would love to try Swing Dancing again one day. Chronic health issues have held me back from dancing.

Drama Society and Vocal Society:

“Let’s do the time warp”, as a PhD student in first year I lived on campus and was able to attend drama classes. I loved this society. The team were amazing. I initially volunteered to do stage props and makeup for the amateur (but wonderful) performers. I built some confidence and auditioned for a part in the second semester with a role of singing and dancing to (drum roll) : Let’s do the Time Warp…again! The play was a cross between the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Frankenstein (it worked well and was well received by the students).

Vocal Society was great fun. It was a couple of hours (a Thursday evening) in a lecture theatre and was a group of students who loved to sing. I did this in my third year of the PhD (and for a while writing up) as it was great to meet people and sing together. Singing really is good for the soul.

It was a non competitive environment with a mixture of musical theatre songs, power ballads and film and tv music. It was just what I needed to destress after a day of long teaching or writing.

We did a couple of shows for our peers. No pressure to sing if you didn’t want to do a solo piece. I sang Journey (a nod to my Durham time) Keep on Believing and Just a Spoonful of Sugar… (Mary Poppins – my favourite Disney film as a small child).

Analysis:

Life through a microscope.

Science Experiments at school, university and PhD:

Raised by two scientists (Physics teacher and nurse), I was fascinated by science and microscopes from a young age. Always curious and wanting to know more about science, life and the universe.

I remember having to look at plant cells under a microscope and thinking wow this is amazing. I want to learn more about microscopes (and biology). Growing up being curious… and a natural researcher I always looked up more in books and encyclopaedias. We didn’t have access to as many web resources when I was a young student. The library was our fountain of knowledge.

In undergraduate studies, I analysed rocks through a microscope looking at the mineral composition (sorry geek post) and got very excited. My brother often joked about buying me a rock polisher and my poor mother had to put up with many rock samples on my shelf.

I then thought – why not do a detailed study on this, so my love of glaciers was born (with rocks of course) and I mapped the debris types on an Italian Alpine glacier. My dissertation supervisor suggested I look at the spectral (light) properties of minerals and I used a spectroradiometer (credit to NERC) to do this.

I had to take many rock samples home for research. I had to arrange for separate luggage for this purpose and it cost about £95 (which in 2007 was a lot of money for a student) to send home.

My health took another funny turn when I was here. I left the alps earlier than expected as I was meant to stay for a month. I left a week and a half earlier than anticipated. I was suffering from exhaustion/ fatigue and pain. I had also lost nearly a stone in 3 weeks. Not in the healthiest state, I went back to the GP for tests. Tests – inconclusive. Nearly dropped out of university but was determined to finish.

Although not glacier related, I took this love of microscopes one step further during my PhD and looked at algae and diatoms under a microscope. A simple drop of water / puddle can tell us so much about water quality and stress in the natural environment. This time I used a microscope which could photograph algae. Super exciting – Zeiss Axiophot. Only allowed to access for a limited time as in the nearby biology/ life sciences department (and I was in engineering). It was helpful to collaborate and use specialist equipment (as I had learned about during my week course at NHM London).

Diatoms are beautiful. These microscopic algae can tell us a lot about water quality (turbidity, pH, conductivity,heavy metals, nutrient enrichment) . I won’t delve too much into the PhD here (as not function of this blog). Essentially I compared the conditions between inlet and outlet of SuDS ponds to show how well these performed in relation to engineering design criteria (CIRIA c753 SuDS Manual).

Diatomists such as Martyn Kelly write very informative blogs, if you are interested. I met him on a freshwater ecology course and subscribed to his blog/ newsletters. He is very knowledgeable and worked on the Diatom Trophic Index UK standard for rivers.

Medical Analysis.

Blood tests biopsies and diagnostic testing:

Anyone with a chronic condition/ illlness also lives life through a lens. A medical lens. Countless blood tests, scans and biopsies. Often inconclusive. Some with relevant specialists and others in unrelated fields/ departments.

The pressures of being scrutinised in this way to find an answer/ diagnosis is exhausting! Especially when you are in constant pain and spend your life at the GP or in AandE.

I was finally relieved to receive a diagnosis in 2022 (see welcome blog) of #endometriosis and #adenomyosis. This has made my life easier and I can have an explanation for my symptoms. It is known as an invisible disease for a reason.

Today I found out:

After my last surgery, no malignancy was found and I am very thankful (although now in surgical menopause that there is hope for me). There is hope for you too. Speak up if something doesn’t feel right.

Thanks to the supportive community for your interest in my story so far.

Blog Inspiration.

Music: Angels by Robbie Williams. One of my favourites. He dedicated this song to his mum, and I too would dedicate this to my mother. Never a day I don’t think about you.

Nature: The rain. Hearing the rain on the roof and windows has been so beautiful this week. Needed after a long period of sunshine.

Book: Self Help / Mental Health: Why has Nobody told me this before, Dr Julie Smith

Wellness: Headspace App – great for recovery and mindfulness. I am enjoying the sleep casts – especially if I waken up with pain. Helps soothe me back to sleep.

Recommendations:

Beauty: Vitamin C based cleansing products – Soap and Glory. Available in Boots. Top tip look out for £10 Tuesday as often great deals on bundles…and occasionally gift sets.

Neom – daily shower body scrub (mint scented) – makes you feel a million dollars and ready for anything.

Food: Bananas. Great morning pick up.

#NOMO chocolate treats. Needed for recovery. Cookie Dough bars and bunnies (from Easter). Part of self care.

Avocado – like marmite you either love or hate it. I find eating avocado helps with energy and mental performance at work. Better than a sugary snack/ too much caffeine.

TV: I watched Race Across the World this week (this series is China and India). Highly recommend to those in the UK.

Summary:

I am an #endometriosiswarrior and an #adenomyosiswarrior💜. 

Let’s raise awareness and compassion for all women afflicted by these diseases. The struggles are real but I hope to bring you some #NewJoy by sharing my story. I challenge you to think of what makes you happy in life and keep being #strongwomen especially if you have entered a transition phase of your life. This is even more important as I watch my own daughter grow up and hope she does not suffer the same issues I faced. 

In summary, 

#believeinyourself❤️  #loveyourbody and #bekind 🤗😊❤️‍🩹 

Take care of yourself.

If you like this blog, please read and share.  Subscribe if you have WordPress or follow me on Instagram- Joy_Kean86